this was sent to me by my friend John Fish, and considering all of the confusion
last year during the Christmas season, what with our "Who's the
President?" and "What's wrong with Florida?" foolishness, I am
not surprised at all that the following was one of the outcomes.
From Santa Claus
regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to
serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.
I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us such as:
There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola
and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.
He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' raccoon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite
Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I
heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo
with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me
(Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV",
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing
into each other.
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the
kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph
the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to
town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio
stations in the South. Those song
titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus
T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and
Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
Webmasters! Add a link to your site!